Column of Fun (featuring Joe Buck)

October 6, 2011

More emotional than a J. Cole album, it’s Brandon Ford’s column of fun.

Personally, I feel that Joe Buck is the most underappreciated man not just in sports, but in the United States of America in general. Since 1996, Joe Buck has been the voice of the MLB and NFL on Fox since 2002. Joe Buck’s “beefs” with the likes of Barry Bonds and Randy Moss have been well publicized, and both of these feuds were no fault of Mr. Buck. You see, Barry Bonds initiated the conflict with the greatest man to ever live when the two met at the 2002 World Series

“I met Barry Bonds the other day, and when I was introduced as Joe Buck, lead broadcaster for Fox, Barry Bonds turns to me and says ‘So?’ We’ll see how professional I am when Mr. Bonds steps up to the plate. If I don’t throw a ‘so’ into my announcing, I don’t think I will be doing my job.”- Joe Buck
Just to show how much of a professional Mr. Buck really is, he didn’t say “so” when Barry Bonds came to the plate. His beef with Randy Moss was also justified, as Randy Moss did the despicable act of “mooning” the Green Bay Packer fans after scoring a touchdown and therefore deserved every disparaging remark that my fellow cleft-chinned brother gave him. Randy Moss never mooned another crowd for the rest of his career and I reckon that it’s because he fears Joe Buck.
Due to the greatness of Mr. Buck, I feel that it’s time we make October “Joe Buck Awareness Month,” along with “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” You see, nobody knows Joe Buck exists outside of the people at Awfulannouncing.com and the haters on message boards, and I think it is time we make the world aware of Joe Buck’s existence. To the casual fans, he is just another monotonous voice that fits right in with the other Fox Sports announcers, but to intelligent people, Mr. Buck is the greatest commentator in baseball history next to my main man Vin Scully. Just imagine people wearing plaid shirts with the top three buttons unbuttoned and jeans all throughout the month of October, but to keep with the Breast Cancer awareness part of October, the shirt must be pink. The term “swagger” would be redefined once people are seen with pink, unbuttoned plaid shirts and jeans. Imagine people dressing up as Joe Buck for Halloween instead of witches, ghosts, or Wheelchair Jimmy. Next to the Ron Paul Revolution, the Joe Buck revolution is truly the best thing going. Vote Ron Paul 2012

I know I’m a funny man. I know that everyone reading this chuckled at least once in the last three paragraphs. I know that I’m the greatest columnist to ever write for this website. Sad to say, the one thing that is funnier than me and my columns was the collapse of the Boston Red Sox in September. For those of you who were out of the loop (or just didn’t watch baseball this month since Joe Buck didn’t call the games), THE SOX had a 9 ½ game lead entering September over the Tampa Bay Rays for the American League Wildcard. In true Boston fashion, THE SOX let the 9 ½ game lead slip away faster than the career of Soulja Boy. It’s not like the Tampa Bay Rays played lights out baseball either, as they went 15-9 in the month of September, and THE SOX went 7-20, which is absolutely pitiful. The 7-20 record in September was Houston Astros bad. Even the 2003 Detroit Tigers would be embarrassed of a month like that. I’ve been a fan of the Washington Nationals since they came to Washington in 2005 (and a fan of the Baltimore Orioles before that), and I even cringed at that abomination of a month. I haven’t seen a performance that bad since Lady GaGa’s performances of Bad Romance (An apology to Polina Wells must be issued here, as if I don’t I feel that I won’t live to write another FINE column such as this and you dear readers would not want that). Rebecca Black performing a cover of “Sweet Child of Mine” without auto tune would be more acceptable than what the Red Sox did in September.

No matter how I describe it, the performance of the Boston Red Sox in September was historically bad. No team has ever blown a 9 ½ game lead in baseball history, and seeing as no team has as much of a choking history as the Red Sox have, I don’t think this feat will be replicated again. The aspirations of a World Series coming to Boston for the third time died in Baltimore died at midnight on September 29^th and the era of dominance for Boston sports might be dead as well.