Nothing to “Like

Facebook is slowly becoming “Hide-Your-Face” book, with good reason.

By: James Cassar

A clever fridge magnet attached to one of the Newspaper filing cabinets carries an anonymous quote: “Freedom of speech does not give you a license to be stupid.” Although America flaunts their First-Amendment rights like a risqué outfit, the flashy display ends up inducing vomit. Take social networking for example:  A wide spectrum of bite-size “tweets,” hipster-style Instagram snapshots, and the tell-all attitude that the blogosphere broadcasts. The most explosive of these trending technologies is Facebook, a site which blossomed after the sluggish failure of MySpace began to become imminent. Mark Zuckerberg may be a monotone billionaire mythologized as the jerk in The Social Network, but the major disservice he gave to society was not his own disposition: he opened free reign for anyone 13 years and older and said unto them: “Take your bad grammar and multiply!”
Let’s start with the most iconic hiccup of this site: the idiosyncrasies of status updates. Even though I update my status almost every time I swallow – ranging from sarcastic quips to a roasting of the word “swag” – some people need to learn about this little thing called spell check, installed free with every modern browser. Shortening your phrases makes you look uneducated, to be honest. Facebook raised their character count to stop this dreadful epidemic. Put on your biohazard masks; it doesn’t end there.
The advent of Photoshop has made everyone an artist and classy photographer. With the Internet-housed megafail Picnik, everyone can filter their pictures with a brooding black-and-white sheen, and cover it with deep text that would make a drunken Socrates proud.  Furthermore, the caption that comes packaged with this photograph is one of two things: a Taylor Swift lyric lamenting romance gone wrong, or a self-esteem slashing “I’m so ugly!!!!1!!!! L” just fishing for compliments and the more-common lazy “like.”
My final point: the plethora of social networks exist as separate, ahem, entities, which means that they operate on different plains. Connecting the lexicon and posting permissions of two or more networks on Facebook halts the ebb and flow of the blue-and-white anti-social hangout spot. Hashtagging on Twitter makes you lack all the #swag you broadcast, and linking your precious blog posts broadcasting how your life in Loudoun County sucks more than Edward Cullen because your iPhone ran out of battery whilst on the toilet makes you look like an unwanted sob story. Real talk.
Now, I’m going to take a cue from The Artist and not speak another word. But, you’ve been called out, Facebook fanatics. It’s time to “unlike” your habits.