I Demand A Column: How Exactly is he Mobbin’ Like That?

      By: Danny Sedlazek
        Ayo, it’s your boy Danny, aka Poseidon’s tibia, aka typhoon flex, aka swag overlord. Have you turned on pop or urban radio since 2009?  If you have, I would guarantee you have heard a song from a pop star named Aubrey. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I thought female powerhouse groupDanity Kane kicked out Aubrey years ago!” I’m not talking about female R&B singer Aubrey O’Day. I’m instead talking about another effeminate R&B-hip hop hybrid Aubrey “Drake” Graham.
I could talk about Drake’s progression as a rapper, but most of us have been listening since his debut single “Best I’ve ever Had” to his most recent album Take Care. You all know about Drake’s rap career, but what about his life before? What’s to come? That’s where I come in. Morphing into a strange combination of Herodotus and Nostradamus, I’m here to explore the (non)-controversial career of singer, rapper, ladies’ man, man’s man, and child actor Drake.
Phase 1: Just a Small town girl boy, living in a lonely Canadian world
Attending a Jewish day school, Aubrey grew up in a middle class town in Toronto, Canada. He was a rather carefree boy, having Bar Mitzvahs and frolicking in the suburbs of the second best former British colony in the western hemisphere, frequently cos-playing as Frodo Baggins.       

Phase 2: The Next Drakeration
Then came the most gangsta part of Aubrey’s life: a leading role on a teen-soap opera. Aubrey had a role as the token black and handicapped character Jimmy on Degrassi: The Next Generation for seven straight seasons.  Playing an upper class former basketball player, Aubrey did what he would also do when he became a multi-platinum artist: entertain pre-teen girls.
 
Phase 3: Mixtape DrizzFed up with the minimal groupies and total lack of Rozay in the Teen TV Drama industry, Aubrey flew the coup on Degrassi and pursued his lifelong dream: joining team attendance, as evidenced by his high school yearbook:
When Drake learned there was, in fact, no such thing as Team Attendance, however, he decided to take the next logical step from Nickelodeon’s teen-spinoff channel: become a rapper. Spitting on multiple mixtapes, Aubrey took the thug stage name of Drake and gathered a following, even attracting enough attention from the human lizard himself, Lil Wayne, to get him a record deal with Wayne’s very own Young Money Cash Money Entertainment.  This was the start of a new life for Aubrey, filled with pre-teen groupies and all the Rozay (both the liquor and notorious rapper Rick Ross) he could stomach.
 
 Phase 4: Thank me later? Or not.
Aubrey was grinding hard on the YMCME circuit, gathering a following based on his drawl as not only a soft and emotional rapper, but also as a soft and emotional R&B singer. Nicknamed “Pillsbury Doughboy” by other players in the industry, Aubrey let the haters talk and attempted to shut them up with his debut LP Thank Me Later. From chauvinistic statements so unconvincing, they couldn’t offend even the most sensitive feminist (“Firework”), to heartfelt odes to girls he had just met the night before (“Find Your Love”), it was a commercial smash. Loved by rock critics who didn’t know the first thing about hip hop and venomously detested by the underground, Aubrey had established himself in pop music as the only artist who was softer than Justin Bieber (at least Bieber tried to get his girls back). Aubrey was pleased; he celebrated this victory with numerous duck- faced photos.
Phase 5: Taking Care of Business
Aubrey was on top of the world, but he knew that in order to stay on top of the game, he had to change it up. After all, he became massively more popular once his character in Degrassi was crippled, and he knew he had to cripple any chance of him being respected as a “hard” rapper.  His sophomore LP Take Care was filled tales of drunk dialing (“Marvin’s Room”) and being outshined whenever there was a guest on a track (“Crew Love” and “Buried Interlude” to name a few) . The verdict is still out on whether it will do as well as his previous opus, but he certainly upped the softness factor. However, the best moment on the LP is on the lead single “Headlines” when Aubrey attempted to sound gangsta: “Why you gon hype me up and make me catch a body like that.” For those of you who aren’t up on the kid’s slang, “catch a body” means to murder. Yet this was the only body Aubrey has ever caught:
 
Stage 6: To Infinity and Beyond
What does the future hold for Aubrey? Who knows? At the rate he’s going, he will become so soft  he will literally turn into a stuffed animal before he can release his fourth LP. I also suspect a collab with Hanson soon (or those kids who did that “MmmmBop” song in the early 90’s).  It’s an unsure future, but someone’s got to brave it, and Aubrey will be sure to take the path as soon as he gets his mommy to check it out first.
On the real though, Aubrey is growing as an artist. He has come a long way from being that jock on Degrassi. He’s a complex (yet soft) artist who shows extreme potential. At this point, however, he’s bogged down by his record label and his own physical limitations as a singer and a rapper.  Auto-tune can only do so much.  I sincerely hope his next LP isn’t the inconsistent mess Take Care was. However, one thing is always true: Aubrey will always be that little kid in that hobbit costume in my heart.