Just Call Me Lil' B


By: Brandon Ford
Ayo, it’s your boy Brandon Ford aka B. Gucci, aka Hercules’ abs, aka Poseidon’s Waves nahmean?  For those who care, this is going to be my most serious column yet.  Not only will I tackle controversial topics such as the abomination of a game between Alabama and LSU a couple of weeks ago and why having a rematch in the BCS National Championship Game would basically kill college football.  I will also take people to task who defend Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan and why rebuilding doesn’t exist in the NFL.  Speaking of Shanahan, I will make my rapping debut in this column as well when I debut my Mike Shanahan “Diss Rap.”
 
            However, I’d like to lead off with something that is very personal to me; ESPN’s annual 24 Hours of College Basketball.  You see, I stayed home on Tuesday because I wasn’t feeling too good, so I basically had no choice but to watch all these basketball games.  So, I was up at 8 AM and I flipped on ESPN and you know what game I saw?  You all ready for this?
 

Morehead State versus the College of Charleston.

 
            Now, when I saw this on the television guide, I thought I was looking at the lineup on ESPNU, which broadcasts mainly the obscure schools and ACC Football. I soon learned, however that I was looking at the lineup for ESPN!  I quickly excused ESPN for broadcasting this game that probably had ten viewers at most, since nobody in their right mind would be watching ESPN at eight in the morning.  However, I then went through the rest of the lineup for the day and this, dear readers, was what ESPN was offering to those die hard college basketball fans such as myself:
 

12 AM- Washington State at Gonzaga

2 AM.- Northern Iowa at St. Mary’s

4 AM- South Alabama at Hawaii

6 AM- Drexel at Rider

8 AM- Morehead State at College of Charleston

10 AM- Kent State at West Virginia

12 PM- Belmont at Memphis

2 PM- San Diego State at Baylor

4 PM- Rhode Island at Texas

7 PM- Duke vs Michigan State

8 PM- Florida at Ohio State

9 PM- Kentucky vs Kansas

 

            Now, I’ll excuse the broadcasts from 12-10 a.m. since most people aren’t able to watch College Basketball at that time anyway but ESPN has got to step their game up.  You only get three legitimate games in the entire twenty four hour span (Oh, and nobody give me the “But you had two top ten teams in WOMEN’S BASKETBALL playing.”  I’m willing to bet that even the fans in the stands are watching a men’s game on their phones. Want me to back up this claim?  The WNBA playoffs only averaged 8,343 people last season per game. They can barely outdraw a AA high school football game at Tuscarora High School, which averages 1,500 per game. In college, it’s even worse.  The Big 12, which leads the NCAA in Women’s College Basketball attendance, averages 5,001 people per game.  The Northeast Conference is in last place, which averages 391 people per game).  The worst part is that TWO of those legitimate games during ESPN’s 24 Hours of College Basketball are on basically at the same time, and the second one runs into the Kentucky/Kansas game. Couldn’t they have bumped the prestigious San Diego State/Baylor game for the Ohio State/Florida game?  I’m sure all five of the people who actually care about those teams would understand.  Look, this isn’t sour grapes but if you’re feeling like dirt and nothing else is on except Belmont and Memphis, you feel like forcing Nyquil down your throat, hoping that it puts you to sleep long enough so when you wake up, you think  the first twenty one or so hours of College Basketball didn’t happen.  Seriously, ESPN should rename this twenty four hour block of College Basketball to 21 hours of coma inducing basketball and 3 hours of Coach K~!, real talk.
 
            I don’t care what anybody says: a rematch between Alabama and LSU for the BCS National Championship would be an absolute disaster.  Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t mind defensive games.  I’m just fine with games that end 13-10, 10-7, 17-10, etc but when a game ends 9-6 PLUS overtime, it’s just equals a game that nobody really wants to watch.  The game wasn’t captivating, it wasn’t dramatic and it definitely wasn’t exciting.  I don’t want to meet the people who want to see a rematch between these two teams.  We can only hope and pray that Oklahoma State wins out and saves us from the SEC worship that would take place if we get a rematch between Alabama and LSU.  Oklahoma State, while not having a great defense by any means, would at least make the game exciting by putting up at least twenty five points on LSU’s defense, which can be thrown on, as proved by West Virginia when LSU went to Morgantown in September.  If Geno Smith could put up over 400 yards with basically no receivers, imagine what Brandon Weeden could do with Justin Blackmon and the rest of the Oklahoma State receiving corps?  In all honesty, I don’t think LSU could keep up with Oklahoma State and I hope I’m given the chance to be proven right if Oklahoma State wins out.  If not, I’ll take some Nyquil before the game force myself to sleep so I don’t have to watch it.  Actually, I don’t think I’ll need Nyquil, seeing as a rematch between LSU and Alabama would be a glorified sleeping pill in the first place.
 
            Rebuilding doesn’t exist in the National Football League.  Mike Shanahan and Bruce Allen can say whatever they want in press conferences but it’s a fact that rebuilding doesn’t happen in football.  The Redskins are allegedly in year two of a five year rebuilding plan but I don’t buy that one bit.  Saying that they’re “rebuilding” is basically an excuse for playing like dirt for the foreseeable future.  The Detroit Lions, who just three years ago were 0-16, are now 6-3 and are looking like a premier team in not just the NFC, but in the NFL as a whole.  Are you telling me that a team can go winless in one season and two seasons after that becomes one of the elite teams in the NFL?  Excuse me if I’m wrong, but the Redskins weren’t 0-16 the year before Shanahan took over.  They were 4-12 and while not setting the world on fire, they weren’t winless like the Lions were in 2008.  The Cincinnati Bengals were 4-12 just last season and are now 6-3 and are looking like a team on the rise.  Just a couple of years ago, the Miami Dolphins were 1-15 and the next season they went 11-5.  The Redskins last year went 6-10 and are now currently 3-6 and are on the verge of finishing with a record worse than the one they had last year.  Progress is surely being made, dear readers.  If the Lions could go from 0-16 in 2008 to a potential playoff team in 2011, the Redskins can surely do the same next year although you can’t blame me for being a skeptic when it comes to this team. 
 
             And now, without further ado

 

Mike Shanahan Diss Rap by Poseidon’s Waves (Parody of T-Shirts and Buddens by Lil B).

I have too much swag Mike don’t bring your girl around
This is about you Mike Shanahan you don’t come around
The world on my back now
Son I run the Husky Headline
Ba-rang-dang-dang
I’m very smart very intricate
I can tell you jealous of
Lil Belichick I’m lil boss
You mad he a pretty boy
You mad you ain’t as rich
You don’t have no freaking coaching niche
Surprised you still got fans
Act like a grown man
Lil Belichick so don’t cry
Mike Shanahan don’t cry because Dan Snyder is about to say “goodbye”
Go coach Marshall and mope over every loss
Keep sitting on your couch crying
With your son Kyle watching acceptable football
Screaming, “Lil Belichick why  you gotta ether me”
I could of been your friend now your career is history
Mike Shanahan man you watch Beck throw every pick
And tell the whole world
You got murdered by a pretty boy
Lil Belichick